Trying To Understand.

It has been 6 days of internship. I am hoping that i can get through this tiring routine of waking up in the morning, get on the train which is full of people everyday and standing up all the way to work in the train. Yes I am exhausted. Working is fun. My boss and colleagues are great. I like it there. I'm loving it.

Being me, a thinker. I have a thousand thoughts in my head in the train. Looking at other people, wondering what do they do in their life without judging. And giving a thought for a second about me. Am I selfish being this stubborn? Am I?

This me again being pathetic. For a second, I think, maybe that is the way, the sign to be away from me. Perhaps that thought is nonsense. I just thought. There is really no one that I can turn to. In the crowd, hectic crowd, people were speaking loudly. Yet I hear nothing and just silence. All I hear is the voices in my head.

My knees are so weak now. My body as well. When will this be over. I never a fan of the surprise element. Fingers cross, hoping all is well.

Tears in The Morning.

I woke up this early morning. My whole body felt weak. Yes it does. I felt like my whole body parts is sucking into the bed sheets to shrink myself dissapear for a few seconds. The first thing on my head usually is your face. then tears run through my cheeks. Here we go again. I am so weak. How i wish i can be stronger than i am today but it always like this.

You said, i gave a thought about this and that but i why i never try to leave. The answer is because i love you. Not everything in my head i let it all out. I always have secrecy saved safe in my heart.

I really don't want to do anything. Not even speak out a word or move a little of my body parts.

I am leaving you now. And i am doing this for us. Eventhough is really hard for me.Goodbye.

i'll be waiting for you.

i will be waiting for you, love. please hurry tau. muax

what a tiring day,

of ..

cleaning up the kitchen.

trying to put up the curtain rod that did not give me with any luck .  plus, the driller rod just broke.

fixing up the lamp of my mum's room

a running nose of mucus is just a cherry on top of my burdened work.

during my freshman year

hahaha. i wish tomorrow would be a better than today is. ugh. finger's cross pal.

Elephants.

A song when i am not at best with my own heart, and lonely.



If the elephants have past lives yet are destined to always remember
It's no wonder how they scream
Like you and I they must have some temper

And I am dreaming of them on the plains
Dirtying up their beds
Watching for some sign of rain to cool their hot heads

And how dare that you send me that card when I'm doing all that I can do
You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

If the tiger shall protect her young then tell me how did you slip by
All my instincts have failed me for once
I must have somehow slept the whole night

And I am dreaming of them with their kill
Tearing it all apart
Blood dripping from their lips and teeth sinking into heart

And how dare that you say you'll call
When you know I need some peace of mind
If you have to take sides with the animals
Won't you do it with one who is kind

And if the hawks in the trees need the dead
If you're living you don't stand a chance
For a time though you share the same bed
There are only two ends to this dance

You can flee with your wounds just in time or lie there as he feeds
Watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed

So for those of you falling in love keep it kind
Keep it good
Keep it right
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night

The Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
And we hang our heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or where ever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I, you and I know the reason why.

Harsh World, Fragile Heart.

i do not know what to say or where to begin.

feels empty, happiness only for a second. its heading dead end. once again.

.................mute......................

Second day of fasting. yeay!

for

Isra' mikraj! Alhamdulillah. Today i am going to start Subuh prayers amd its 0535 and still no azan yet. After having my breakfast with mama, i got into my room and Click!..I locked the door. A minute later, my mum was screaming my name asking whether i locked the door just to get a puff of cigarette.

A picture says a thousand words. I hope this going to be a long term change. Insya Allah. Amin!

Letter to unsung Juliet.

Today is wednesday and i have been forced to wake up by my lovely mother at 0530am. gosh, i think i'm still sleeping while typing this.And like any other day, i am still waiting patiently, a call from Mercedes to call me for duty.Damn it has been too long already, one single signature really can be a pain in the ass. As for other things, its been almost 1 year and a half that i have been together with you. Lately i have been a little turnover by our situation, of me, when you are thinking that i am not like what you are expected me to be, flirtatious to others. Well the truth is i just want to be friends with them. Well, maybe i got it carried away with stupid webcam and a foolish emoticons. And for that i am sorry.

From the bottom of my heart, i want the love sparks get into our heart again like we use to have in our honeymoon stage. Damn i miss those days syg. Eventhough i have to put up with sharing you with someone else. i do not mind all that cause i love you so much and i just want to be with you! you asked me to be cool and relaxed like i used to be,okay i will do that for the sake of loving you and you only. i try my best to play the role of a good girlfriend in this love stage, but i need to do the same for me as well. i will make you happy, and i know you're trying to make me happy as well. you said that i am a paranoia bitch. well i am! i just want to make sure that you not fall for others. not after what i have been through before.

one thing for sure, i just want those things passed me and become one bitter memory. because all i want to remember is now, our sweet memories. i want us to pampered ourselves with our love. i want you to be all spoil with me. i want to have a good laugh with you. i still remember how you smile made me so happy back then. a single smile can really make my heart melt. i think my heart is crying now.

i am not miserable now. i am happy that now you're with me. i just missed the good old days, when our lips touched softly and full with love and passion. when i kissed you, my heart flies up to the starry skies. dear darling, i love you so much. watching you go and saying goodbye to you someday would be the hardest thing in my life. it would feel like i am losing the people that i love go once again. just in case you do not want me anymore, like any other days that i have tell you before, just let me know. And i will do my best to let you go, even it take my life's strength to do that and just that.

finished at 0558am.